Suffering In Silence
by Twilight.Taco
Summary: BD SPOILERS. Jake imprinted on Nessie, but the raging argument inside of his head is getting to him. My thought process on imprinting after falling in love. Better than summary, oneshot. R&R.


**WARNING: CONTAINS BREAKING DAWN SPOILERS. **

**Hello everyone! This is my first fanfiction in awhile, so I'm quite excited! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :) **

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight saga and the characters. I do not. The characters also include Edward and Jacob, obviously. Lucky duck...**

**Summary: Maybe a little OOC, set after BD. Jake imprinted on Renesmee, but as we all know with the Sam situation, it isn't easy. Jake still loves Bella, as hard as it is to admit..and keep to himself. With Bella stuck in the middle, what will she do? Jacob's POV, oneshot. My thought process on imprinting. **

I knew from the moment I was aware of her existance that she was meant for me. It was the way things were-what did it matter how I felt? What I thought? As soon as I saw her, my destiny was sealed.

And there was nothing I could do about it.

Of course, at the time, this wasn't exactly how I viewed it. All that mattered was the distance separating the two of us, and how that could be fixed. I felt myself drawn toward her, as if a rope was persistantly tugging at me, pushing me closer. It didn't matter that Blondie was holding her in her arms, that this was morally wrong, that there was no way that this thing-this new ray of light, this girl, could return my feelings.

What mattered was being with her. At that precise second, I realized this-that I would do anything in my power to make her happy. I felt like if she called, requesting for me to jump, I would be asking her how high. It wasn't gravity keeping me in place, it was her.

I absentmindedly stepped towards her, ignoring the sudden, infuriated look from Blondie. I knew that if I was wise, I would be backing off-judging by Blondie's livid expression, she was serious. But that didn't matter right then, only the girl did.

My eyes flickered to the object of my fascination.

The bronze-colored ringlets framed her perfect face, her skin a frighteningly pale shade, although her cheeks held a slight blush. She was beautiful-no word could describe her. It was then that I focused on her eyes.

Her eyes were like soft, melted milk chocolate, staring deeply into mine. A million questions were visible on her face as her head slightly cocked to the side, her gaze turning curious.

After that, I didn't care about what anyone else thought. Renesmee, this girl who had suddenly altered my life in ways she couldn't imagine, was obviously my soulmate.

I had imprinted.

**Later. (After BD.) **

During the rare time I wasn't with the Cullens, I was either at the cliffs-where I took most of my time to think about everything-or I was with Billy, or patrolling with the pack.

My thoughts weren't safe.

When I was with the pack, at least in wolf form, they could hear what I was thinking, and when I visited the Cullens, Edward knew everything that was passing through my mind as well. Alone time where it was all me was scarce and deeply appreciated.

I felt seaspray across my face as my legs dangled off the side of the rocks. It was then that I started thinking about my natural born enemies that I had become so close to in the past few months. I had a very good reason to spend so much time with them too-because of Edward and Bella's daughter, Renesmee, my imprint...

What was I kidding myself?

That wasn't the only reason.

My eyes came to a close as I thought about the last thing to cross my mind. _That wasn't the only reason. _As much as I would like to deny it, it was not. Renesmee was my freaking imprint and Bella was married, not to mention a bloodsucker, a Cullen...

I grinded my teeth together, jaw clenching. "Damn it!"

When was I ever going to get a break?

I knew better than this-I should've prepared myself. Hell, I had enough knowledge and warnings beforehand, what with the Sam/Emily/Leah situation. But of all people, why did I have to imprint on Bella's daughter, when I was so obsessively in love with her?

It was all wrong, so very wrong.

The bigger part of me knew I shouldn't be thinking like this. I knew that Renesmee was meant for me. It was how it was supposed to be-everyone was happy with the way things had turned out, Edward especially. How happy he was that I was presumedly off of Bella's tail.

I had learned to control my thoughts around him. I wouldn't have him knowing that I was still head over heels in love with his wife.

If only Bella had returned my feelings during Edward's absence, we wouldn't be having this problem...No. I refused to think like that. I had to get a grip. If only she hadn't talked to Edward in the first place, hadn't fallen for him, hadn't went to that dance and ignored my-well, Billy's-advice...

_If only Edward had ceased to come back in the first place. _

_If only Edward had ceased to exist. _

No, no, no. It wasn't his fault that I couldn't control my feelings, as much as those words put a vile taste in my mouth.

I eyed the water as it crashed against the rocks sourly, hopefully, as if it would wash my feelings away. No such luck.

My eyes closed for the slightest moment.

_Bella stared at me, her chocolate eyes smoldering, careful, uncertain. I reached my hand across the small distance between us. A long, mahogany strand was in the way of her expressive eyes, blocking my view. I lifted my fingers carefully and brushed her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. _

_And slowly, a finger lifting her face up to meet mine, I leaned in until her lips crashed against my own, moving in sync. I took her hands tugging my hair as an encouraging sign. Her lips slightly parted, and I thrust my tongue into her mouth, feeling, exploring. _

My daydream was interrupted by a vibrating in my pocket. I muttered a string of profanities and fished out my phone, the screen flashing the exact name I didn't want to see.

I flipped open my phone anyway.

"Hey Jacob," Bella said easily, and I stiffened. She had gradually come to forgiving me about imprinting on her daughter. Things weren't the same as they used to be, though-and the sad thing? Bella had recovered, I had not.

"Hey." My answer was short and forced. I finally convinced myself to act happy-the last thing I wanted was her to know something was up. I was so good at hiding my feelings, and lately it was becoming more and more of a problem. The shock of imprinting on Renesmee, of all people, had slightly ebbed, leaving me with unfortunate feelings I did not welcome.

Why couldn't I be normal, and forget about Bella? Renesmee was who I was supposed to be with. This couldn't be normal. Why, before I imprinted, did I have to love someone so much? Sam was happily in love with Emily. But then again, I hadn't known him well when he imprinted and dumped Leah, so I didn't know if I would get over it, like him, or always feel so distraught.

Then again, he wasn't completely over it. A few times, his thoughts had slipped, and the pack all heard what we didn't want to. He _loved _Emily though, and he forced his relationship with Leah away...why couldn't I do the same?

I briefly considered asking him about that, but the thought exited my mind as quickly as it had entered. No-no one could know about it right now. Plus, Sam didn't have the same control over his thoughts as I had gained over the past few months. He didn't know. It was all too dangerous to pursue.

It was then that I realized I had been silent, and Bella had been chatting with me. It was only a few seconds, but I was still lost.

"..were alright with that?" I blinked.

"Uh, wait, what? Sorry," I responded, clueless. She laughed-it sounded like bells ringing, even over the phone. Even though she was now pale, cold, hard, and blood-thirsty, she was still my Bella.

_My Bella._

_My Renesmee. _

I couldn't have it both ways.

"Well, I was just wondering if, you know, you would come down? Renesmee really wants to see you." My brow furrowed.

"Yeah, sure, I'll come. I'll be there in a little bit, okay?" I said.

"Alright. Thanks Jake, I appreciate it. She's been talking about you, so I finally decided I'd give you a call."

"Okay...Goodbye Bella."

"Bye," was her quick response before the line disconnected.

When I arrived at the Cullen household, Edward, Jasper, and Emmett were not there. I felt a sense of pleasure course through me. There would be no mind reader, picking my brain, or someone to dictate every feeling I had. No, it was all me.

I crinkled my nose as I opened the unlocked door and found myself in the familiar living area. The odor was incredibly strong-how any human could be enchanted by that, I couldn't fathom. It was the foulest stench known to mankind, in my opinion.

Bella was snuggling up with Nessie on the sofa as she carried on a conversation with Esme. All three of them looked up as I entered, smiling.

"Good afternoon, Jacob. Rosalie and Alice are upstairs, and as you can see, the boys are away hunting, and Carlisle is at the hospital at the moment. So I'm afraid you're going to have to spend your time with us." She chuckled, as if it was a bad thing. I was relieved, to say in the least.

"Hey Nessie, Bella." Esme smiled at me once more before heading outside for who-knows-what reason.

"Jake!" Nessie stood from the couch and ran towards me, and my open arms. I felt the regular pull forcing me forwards, and I embraced her, while staring at Bella over her shoulder. Her now-topaz eyes were twinkling (what was happening to me? Twinkling, really? I was hanging around the vamps too much.) as she watched us, grinning to herself. The dimples in her cheeks became more apparent, and I sighed-how much I wished I could trace those dimples.

_Get a freaking grip, Jacob. _

"Nessie! What have you been up to?" My voice portrayed lots of happiness, which obviously pleased her. As long as she was happy, right? My soulmate. As long as she was happy, then I should be happy. And I was happy, don't get me wrong. I just had way too many internal conflicts.

I spent the rest of the evening with Nessie, mostly, and Bella only later. I felt a twisting in my stomach as Nessie's eyes grew heavier, and her heart rhythm slowed, her breathing at a much more steady pace. Bella took her from my arms. I flinched as her icy skin made contact with mine.

"Sorry," she murmured as she gently tucked Nessie in for her afternoon nap, I supposed.

It was silent for a moment.

"Bella, can I ask you something?" I asked reluctantly.

"Yeah, sure," she replied hesitantly, uncertain because of the change of my mood.

"Do you..ever, you know, regret things? Or feel like you're breaking all the rules?" The words came out in a rush. The light atmosphere had suddenly turned serious within a second's notice.

She stared back at me, and I stared back at her. I saw something creep into her eyes, but before I could recognize it, it had disappeared. She took her time answering my eager question.

"Well," she began, tongue clicking, as if she was tasting the words. Apparently she didn't like how they tasted, and her face screwed up as she tried to find the right thing to say. "Kind of like you're doing what you know is right, but you also know that there's so much more...Is that what you were saying?"

A half-smile formed on my face. "Bells, I've really mi-"

I was interrupted by the sound of the door opening, footsteps echoing throughout the house. Jasper, Emmett and Edward walked gracefully through the arch leading into the main room, laughing. I noticed a frown cross Bella's face as she straightened up quickly-it was then that I realized I had been leaning in towards her.

I cursed mentally. Edward had, thankfully, been too distracted with Emmett to notice how my thoughts slipped. That was a first.

And then, much to my dismay, Bella stood and embraced Edward. I didn't want to see the rest. Jasper frowned at me, most likely having realized my feelings of disapproval-hopefully he wouldn't make sense of them-which was something I definitely did not need.

"I'm gonna, um, get some fresh air," I excused myself. I didn't stay to see their reactions.

When I was outside, I ran. I just ran. I ran through the woods, far enough to where Edward wouldn't hear me, and Jasper wouldn't sense my emotions. I fell to the ground.

I closed my eyes.

And I fell asleep. Unfortunately, I dreamed. Lovely.

At first, Renesmee came and hugged me, and I gladly melted into her embrace. I was smiling, but my smile suddenly transformed into a confused frown as Nessie's small, delicate, warm body grew right before my eyes. Her bronze ringlets grew out into long, thick, mahogany strands. The blush in her cheeks became more and more apparent. The only thing that stayed the same was her eyes-those chocolate brown, expressive irises.

My stomach flipped.

"Bella," I whispered. "My Bella." She grinned, eyes shining. I cupped her face in my hands, and the next thing I knew, our lips were locked. Her lips were soft, warm, inviting. An alluring moan escaped her. My hand travelled down her back, cherishing every inch of her. I had to be the luckiest man alive.

I sucked on her neck as her hands knotted in my hair. Simply _amazing. _I felt like I was flying.

"I love you, Jake." Those words alone sent a shiver running through me, electrifying my senses. It were those words that I longed to hear.

"I love you too, Bella."

It was then, at the worst possible time, that I jolted awake. All I saw was green. No Nessie, no Bella, no nothing. Just forest.

I was alone.


End file.
